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Happy Birthing Day

This week George asked me, "When is Wayland going come back to life?" It took me by surprise. We talk about Wayland all the time, but always wonder how much George and Vince retain and how they experience having an older brother who isn't alive. Believe me, I wish Wayland could come back to life. I went on the tell him that his body died and can never come back but his soul lives forever and how much I miss ... I was just so struck by that question. I wonder who Wayland would be today and I experience those thoughts all the time, but George's little question brought it back full force. Who would you be today Wayland? What would you love to do? How would you be as an older brother? Who would your friends be? What would be your struggles? Would you like sports? Would you like to hunt with your Dad? Oh how I wish heaven had visiting hours sometimes.

October is bittersweet for me as it would be Wayland's 12 birthday on the 24th and that little conversation with my 4 year old really exacerbated those feelings. 12 years and I only got 4 of them. It really is not fair and my heart aches when I think about it. Its always a challenge to approach his birthday and know how to celebrate him. Wayland's life was short but it was remarkable. I've decided to face my emotions full on and remember that it was the birthing day of my first born son. it was my rite of passage into motherhood. There were many hours of pain in the dark of night, there was fear, fatigue, anticipation, that led way to tears of joy and excitement of meeting my first child, my son, Wayland Michael Villars. He changed my life forever. We were so blessed to start our family with a "healthy" beautiful boy. I felt the intense emotions of feeling like I couldn't possibly birth this child inside me to the complete overwhelm of embracing the new human being that was created inside my body. That human being was Wayland, the child who, 1,278 days later would begin the 472 days of fighting and succumbing to a deadly brain stem tumor, the killer we call DIPG.

The 24th is Wayland's birthday and anniversary of the 1st of my 4 birthing days. The loss of Wayland's life is a tragedy. It just is and I miss him so much, but I will always have the memory of bringing Wayland's life into the world. I am lucky to have the privilege of getting to meet him, to know his gentle and strong spirit, and share his days on earth.

"(Wayland) ...I carry you with me into the world, into the smell of the rain and the words that dance between people & for me it will always be this way, walking in the light remembering being alive together." (Story People)


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My original endeavor was to share our story of losing a child to a brain tumor and our journey to help find a cure for pediatric brain cancer. That is not changing, but our journey is. Let me take you along. 

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