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I knew he would be there

"I held him close for only a short time, but after he was gone, I'd see his smile on the face of a perfect stranger and I knew he would be there with me all the rest of my days."

40 weeks. Baby V. is due and we are remembering Wayland and his last hours on earth. I am a wreck inside. I have no idea how to bring these feelings together. No idea. This last week I went from walking around the house aimlessly to nesting my heart out. It is only in prayer and on my yoga mat that find a little peace in bringing the emotions together; excitement and anticipation of having a baby along with sadness of the memories of Wayland taking his last breath. I don't want it to be today, but like many things in life, it is out of my control.

I glanced at the quote above many times lately. It is a decoration and a gift that has found a place on a wall by our front door. What stuck out to me was "I knew he would be there..." That can be my focus, Wayland will be there. If baby comes, Wayland will be there and I believe will make himself known and will show us how to make the day special for his new brother or sister and how to remember him as well. If it doesn't happen, baby doesn't come, then the day will remain our day to honor Wayland's heavenly birthday. Either way can be blessed. I just

Wayland painting, just days before he passed.

hope that I am able to safely deliver this new baby whenever he or she wants to arrive and know that it will be the perfect time and the perfect birthday.

Wayland, we love you and miss you so much! I wish so badly that you were here to welcome your new baby brother or sister with Amelia, although I'm sure your view from heaven is even better than ours. Maybe you can share a little of your view with us...

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My original endeavor was to share our story of losing a child to a brain tumor and our journey to help find a cure for pediatric brain cancer. That is not changing, but our journey is. Let me take you along. 

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