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August 9, 2016

"For a long time there were only your footprints & laughter in our dreams & even from such small things, we knew we could not wait to love you forever." - Brian Andreas

It is amazing (or crazy) how life turns out , isn't it? 8 years ago Wayland's little life was growing and forming within my womb. We were 7 or 8 weeks along. I was starting to feel morning sickness and we were moving to Indiana. Excited to be newly married, moving from Wisconsin to Indiana, expecting our first baby and at the same time scared to death of all the crazy change. We didn't have much money, we didn't have any friends, so much was unknown. But Wayland's life within me carried me through. He was my companion. I never dreamed that he would only live to be 4. Here we are now. Wayland has been gone for 2 1/2 years, Amelia is four. And we can say that the footprints and laughter we have been dreaming of for 2 years is now an unborn child that we can love. We are expecting and 17 weeks along. Amelia and Wayland will be big a big brother and sister! What a blessing! And as I said above, life is amazing. That's the positive way to say it...meaning life just doesnt' turn out as we expect because after months and months of trying and of all months and days of the year, this little baby is due to arrive August 9, 2016. That will be the 3rd time we celebrate Wayland's heavenly birthday. Honestly our first reaction was astonishment and almost a selfish fear came over us. That is Wayland's day. How will we ever share the happy news of welcoming a new life and grieve letting go of our precious little boy, all on the same day. When we share this news, it often gives chills to people, literally. And many people express it as a blessing or God's way/Wayland's way of saying, "I'm here." Either way, its the reality and we trust that this dear baby will arrive when its meant to arrive. Ben and I have come to see the timing as a halo of protection around this new life. And I guess like Wayland was my companion when he literally was inside me, I can see him as my companion now. He and our new baby can both carry me through all the crazy emotions I feel now.

I want to share this little tribute to all the couples out there facing infertility. The 20 months of trying after losing Wayland and also dealing with a miscarriage in the midst of it, makes me respect all of you. It is such a private pain, but such an intense pain and hard to deal with socially. Not many people can understand how hopeless and painful it feels. It is a unique cross and often isolating. I also know many struggle for much longer periods of time than Ben and I did. I don't know how you do it. Prayers to all those couples out there still dealing with this. My heart goes out to you.

When Wayland left us, the feeling of the month of August changed forever. It feels heavy and sad. It looks like it will change again when we welcome this baby. There will be joy and hope mixed in with the heavy and sad. I guess that is life. Since we lost Wayland, we have found joy in so many moments; but there is not one where we still don't miss him. It is hard to understand, but I literally don't experience any happy moment without feeling sad at the same time. Either way, we are grateful for the joy that will come at that time of year. God works in misterious ways. Baby Villars #4, we can't wait to hear the patter of your little feet and see and hear your laughter. We love you!

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My original endeavor was to share our story of losing a child to a brain tumor and our journey to help find a cure for pediatric brain cancer. That is not changing, but our journey is. Let me take you along. 

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