Today takes me back to the excruciating emptiness I felt on this day two years ago. You had been gone for 24 hours and didn't know how I would be able to go on and live without you. Here we are...
My anxiety built up so much leading to this day. Mine and Daddy's hearts flooded with all the painful memories of watching you die before our eyes. We struggled to know how to mourn for you and celebrate you all at the same time. What do we do to carry your memory with us? How do we keep your memory alive in Amelia's heart? Should we be alone, be with family, cry, laugh? Your Aunty Jenny and Aunty Anne helped us to figure this out. They asked if they could come to stay with us. It was so nice and Amelia was surrounded by her cousins, exactly what you would have loved as well. We swam, ate your favorite food, watched funny youtube videos. All things you would have loved. It was the best we could do to celebrate you.
But, Wayland, we felt so lost this year. Completely lost. I think I know why: a lot has changed for us in these 2 years. Amelia is in preschool and now she is your age...We have a puppy, Lady. I'm sure you've seen her. We have started a foundation. I have become a yoga instructor. And yet, nothing is as we had hoped or dreamed of; you are gone and Amelia still does not have a new brother or sister. When Daddy and I got married, we always wanted more than one child. We always wanted our children to have siblings, to laugh and play and fight with and grow up side by side. When you left us, that dream felt stripped away. It took me so long to find the hope of our family to grow again, knowing that your memory would live on. Never would I have imagined that my pain of losing you could be stronger than it was 2 years ago. I never would have dreamed that we would have to carry the burden of struggling to have another baby. And then after over a year of trying, to finally get pregnant, only to lose the baby. We are happy you have a brother or sister to play with, but Wayland, I've never felt more jipped, more angry, more pain than I do now. Not only have I lost you, but for some reason we have been given the cross of 'waiting' even more for Amelia to enjoy having a brother or sister again. I think that is a huge part of why we felt lost this year. Our life can't seem to move forward like it is for everyone else around us. All our friends are having babies, or their children are in grade school, getting older, enjoying team sports and I feel like we are just stuck.
Wayland, I wish more than ever you could help Mommy be brave and strong. For 15 months of your short life you had to face so much pain and frightening things. You figured out how to accept everything. We are so proud of you for that. Help me to accept everything, to be happy, to trust that God will take care of us. We love you so much and we miss you. Help us to know that our pain down here will someday be over and I can't wait to hold you again.
We love you always,